Sweet Pain
by PlagueOfPrague
Summary: Spike's picked up a disturbing habit within the past few months and his world shatters when Buffy finds out. It's rather dark, but sorta sweet in the long run. Please review. *NOW COMPLETE*
1. Destroying the pain

Title: Sweet Pain  
  
Author: Hope  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns, I just borrow.  
  
Rating: R (for self-mutilation)  
  
Summary: Spike's picked up a disturbing habit within the past few months and when Buffy finds out.......  
  
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//You're not part of my life.....// Buffy sighed, kicking at a small clump of dirt on the ground. Had she really sounded that cold hearted? As much as she hated to admit it, she felt bad for what she had said to the vampire. Ducking to avoid an overhanging tree branch, she groaned. Her feet had carried her to *his* cemetary. Habit, she guessed. She always came to him when she was troubled, only this time the trouble was over him.  
  
*****  
  
//The bitch. Not part of her life my arse....// The vampire winced, drawing the blade across his wrist with a shaky hand. The hand holding the blade was covered in blood as well, flowing down from gashes on his arm. //Why do you drive me to this......// Another silent tear fell from his watery eyes, watching small blobs of the red liquid rise to the sirface of his skin. Sure it hurt, but not as much as what she did to him.  
  
That was pain.  
  
Clenching his eyes shut, he dug the blade deeper, concentrating on the burning sensation traveling through his arm instead of the pain in his chest. Opening his red eyes slowly, he surveyed the damage he had done this time. Cocking his head to the side, he sniffled, tracing his figer along one of the jagged cuts.  
  
*****  
  
//So, here I am.....// Buffy stared at the door of his crypt, unsure whether to knock or just go in. She stood their, concentrating on the soft lines on the wooden door. //You need to apologize....// She couldn't beleive she was goingto do this, to tell him she was sorry. Shaking her head and sighing, she pushed the door open. She owed it to him.  
  
Swallowing hard as she entered, she squinted in the darkness. Nothing. He wasn't here. She walked solemnly over to his couch, running her finger over the rim of a bottle of vodka on a table nearby. Her heavy eyes shifted to the ground, catching the soft glow of candlelight from the hole in the ground. He was downstairs. She shuffled over to the lower level entrace, hesitant to go down. Gathering her thoughts, she dropped down, landing with a soft thud on the ground.  
  
"Spike, I..." She stopped, staring at the blonde. He sat on the edge of his bed, his white shirt and black pants covered in blood. Her eyes focused on the blade in his hand. She felt a lump rise in her thraot, "Oh God, Spike, what are you doing?"  
  
His puffy red eyes focused on hers, wavering slightly. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, flippinghis legs over the bed and turning his back to her. "Go away...." His voice came out in a raspy whisper.  
  
Buffy was shocked. How could he do something like this? Why? She stood for awhile, watching the back of his head. He jumped slightly when he small hand grasped his shoulder. "Spike?" He didn't even look at her, his eyes focused on the ground. She glanced around, spotting a first aid kit on a nearby table. His eyes finally fell on her when she released his shoulder, walking back towards the ladder and disapearing to the upper level of his crypt. He watched where she had disapeared, unable to look away. He jerked his head back around when he saw her returning. "Spike?." Still nothing. She sat down next to him quietly, setting the bowl of water and first aid items down next to her.  
  
"........"  
  
She sighed, grabbing the bloodied blade gently from his shaking fingers and tossing it to the ground. Dipping a small towel into the water, she pulled his arm out, wiping away the blood. He didn't say a word as she cleaned his self-inflicted wounds. When she was satisfied that his arms were cleaned up, she traced her fingers over some of the scars on his pale skin. Why hadn't she notcied them before? Her name, Dawn's name, crosses, x's, and other random markings covered his skin, barely visable on his pale arm. She swallowed as they began to bleed again, quickly grabbing the gauze she had brought. She wrapped his arms tightly, making sure the bandages wouldn't come off. When she finsished, he pulled his arms protectively back into his lap.  
  
"S'matter slayer? 'fraid you'll loose your love toy?" He asked coldly, still avoiding her gaze.  
  
She stood slowly, standing in front of the trembling vampire. She pulled his face up to look at her, staring into his pained eyes. He had been crying, quite a bit by the looks of it. Wiping a stray tear from his face, she whispered softly. "No Spike, I'm afraid I'll lose my best friend....." She removed her small hand from his face, giving his shoulder one last squeeze before walking to the ladder and climbing up. "Goodnight, Spike." Her voice floated down softly, wavering slightly. "I'll see you tomorrow." He swallowed hard, standing and kicking the blade on the floor into the wall....... 


	2. Lost in thought

Title: Sweet Pain  
  
Author: Hope  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: They're Joss', not mine.  
  
A/N: I wasn't going to continue this, it was meant as a short little thing to keep my mind offa the hassles of life, but I decided to continue. This chapter basically explains why things happened in the last chapter, the next one will get into more of a 'story'.  
  
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Buffy listened to the rattling noise her keys made as she shoved them in the door. Her best friend? Where had that come from? He wasn't her best friend, he wasn't even human. She sighed and pushed the door open. "Dawn?" No answer. She closed the door quietly, not sure whether the teen was asleep or not. "Willow?" The ex-witch didn't answer either, which concerned her. She walked into the kitchen to find a note on the counter, quickly written in Dawn's messy writing. Will had taken Dawn to the Bronze. Great, leave the sulking slayer alone in the house, just peachy. Crumbling the piece of paper, she tossed it into the trash. She grabbed a glass from the dishwasher and began to fill it with cold water from the faucet. 'Dawn is at the Bronze with Willow' she repeated in her mind.  
  
Willow. She was her best friend, wasn't she? Of course she was, she had been for almost six years now. She was the one who she would talk to, ask advice, go to for help, share her secrets, everything. She was always there.  
  
Buffy sipped at the glass, realizing that Willow wasn't always there. She hadn't been around much lately, no matter how hard she tried to be. Buffy had seen more of her in high school when they had lived on opposite ends of the town than she did now living with her. She didn't scurry to her when she was afraid or alone anymore either, she kept what she was feeling bottled up, not wanting the world or her friends to know she was so vulnerable.  
  
But he knew. She told him, whenever she couldn't take it anymore she ran to him. For whatever reason he made her forget whatever was bringing her down. He was there to listen and he wouldn't repeat over and over that it would all be okay, because he knew it may not be. He didn't want to give her false hopes as they had. She had told him her deepest secrets, ones that she had even kept from her friends. You wouldn't tell stuff like that to your enemies, right? He wasn't an opponant anymore, she supposed. Even if he could hurt her, her wasn't her enemy.  
  
Buffy poured the water into the sink and set the glass on the counter. Deciding that sleep would be a good option, she headed toward the stairs, marching up to her room. Yes, sleep would definately be a good thing right now. She flicked the light on and walked in, pealing her shirt from her. Tossing it on her bed, she pulled out a large t-shirt from a drawer and slid into it. Next she slipped from her pants, pulling into a small pair of boxers. As she pulled her hair down from it's ponytail, her eyes drifted to the bed where her shirt had landed, catching the sight of deep red against the light blue fabric. She walked over and picked the shirt up, running her fingers over the blood stains. Spike's blood. With a sigh, she tossed the shirt to the ground, slipping under the covers of her bed. He wasn't her best friend, but she wasn't sure if she could honestly call Willow her best friend anymore either......  
  
*****  
  
Spike sat with his back against the cold wall, his legs pulled up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them. His deep blue eyes were locked on the blade lying on the floor across from him, in the same position it had landed after he had kicked it. He had contemplated getting up and grabbing it, but his mind was to clouded to concentrate on much of anything, let alone carving up his arm again. His brain kept replaying what she had said to him, about being 'her best friend'. Was that really what she had thought about him? Part of him wanted to leap for joy when she had said that, but another part screamed in pain because he wasn't anything more to her. Hell, a few years ago she would have easily classified him as one of her top enemies, but now, he wasn't sure what they were. Friends? Maybe. He thought back to his past, trying to remember when he had thought of anyone as a 'friend'. Nothing. Well, no one. It kinda hurt to think that in over his one hundred years of existance, he had never really had a friend. Until now, at least. He had mused over the thought awhile ago that no matter what they said about him, he was friends with the scoobies, and as much as it pained him, even Xander. They may not care for him, but he felt a connection with them, a sort of companionship, even if they hated him. He wouldn't hesitate to protect them, not only for Buffy, but because they actually meant something to him. But that didn't make them his friends, he guessed, that made them people he cared about, nothing more. There had been Dru, but something inside him told him that she didn't count, that she was never really his friend. No one was. He had been alone. Sure, he had loved the crazy vampire, but not like he loved Buffy. He loved Dru because she was his sire, his maker. It was sort of an obligation, really, nothing like he felt towards Buffy.  
  
He *loved* Buffy.  
  
He swallowed down the lump in his throat, his stomach feeling sick. She didn't love him. He was her friend at best, but nothing more. If someone had asked him to name off the people who loved him, he'd be able to say one name: Dawn. Dawn loved him, he knew that. She had told him before, too. He was a big brother of sorts towards the Bit, he supposed. He shook his head, looking to the ground. One name. One person who would actually care if he was gone. Hell, everyone else would probably throw a party if he died. He stood shakilly, casting a hard glance at the blade. He had unconciously picked the wrap from his arms, leaving his fresh wounds exposed. He looked down at the jagged marks he had left this time. They were slightly worse than last time, he guessed, running his shaking hand over the cuts. Sighing, he walked over and picked up the blade, watching as it reflected the candlelight on it's bloodied steel surface. Clenching his jaw, he walked over to the stand next to his bed, opening a drawer and tossing the blade inside. He might need it later.....  
  
  
  
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Basically a musing chapter, focusing on the characters thoughts. How fun. Please review, I'm begging now. *grovel* 


	3. Trying to mend

Title: Sweet Pain  
  
Author: Hope  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: They're Joss', not mine.  
  
  
  
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Buffy's eyes fluttered open slowly, her dim pupils focussing on the clock. 9:15. Shit, she was goin to be late for work.....again. She groaned and sat up, wiping the sleep from her eyes as she yawned. Standing slowly, she walked over and pulled her bright uniform, which she was positive had been cut out from a circus tent, from her dresser. She opened her door and headed to the bathroom, planning to take a shower and get to work as soon as possible.  
  
*****  
  
Spike was curled in a small ball on his bed, his bloodied shirt lying on the matress next to him. At least he had enough sense to take it off before dozing off last night. He stirred slightly at the faint sound of movement nearby, not bothering to open his eyes. "Go away slayer." He ground out, pulling the deep red blanket over his head in a meager attempt to avoid her. He cringed when she sat down on the bed, pulling the blanket down. He glared at her like a stubborn child.  
  
"Hi." She said softly.  
  
"Don't 'hi' me, get the bloody hell out." He growled, standing and grabbing the nearest shirt off of the ground. It was dirty, sure, but still better than the bloody thing he had had on last night. He pulled it over his head and remained standing, his back to the girl. He crossed his arms over his chest, partially out of stubborness and partially out of nervousness. "What do you want?" He asked coldly, still refusing to look at her.  
  
Looking to the ground nervously, she stood, walking over to where he stood. She cast a quick glance down at his arms, which were now almost completely healed, only faint pink lines remaining where some of the deeper cuts had been. Taking her eyes from the marks as he pulled his arms tighter around his chest, she looked up at him. "I came to see how you were." He rolled his eyes and sneered, dropping his arms to his sides and heading up to the upper level. She followed behind him, her cow hat flopping about as she climbed up the ladder. She had been on her way to work when she had decided to stop over to see him. She was going to be late anyway, what was a few more minutes? She stood to find him standing in front of his couch, lighting a ciggarette. His eyes landed on her as she stared at him, unsure what to do.  
  
"Cor, Slayer? Finally at a loss for words?" He asked mockingly. He shook his head, blowing a stream of smoke from his mouth. "What? Poor Spike's finally worthy to have somone care how he's doing? Hate to break it to you luv, but it isn't nothing new. I'm still the same obnoxious vampire you've grown to loathe and detest, so stop looking at me like I'm a little lost puppy."  
  
She went to speak but halted as he cocked his head at her. He was so different from how she had found him last night, as if nothing had happened. He was suddenly himself again, not the crying and tortured vampire she had stumbled upon only hours before. No wonder she had never known, he kept it hidden. That was probably one of the only secrets he had kept from her, and she could see why. She felt guilty and he didn't want her to feel a hint of sadness, especially not because of him. He didn't want to upset her, so he hid what she had driven him to. "Why?" was all she managed, rocking back on her heals.  
  
She knew why. He shrugged and fell back onto the couch, taking another hit off of the fag. Let her figure it out on her own. He inhaled deeply, allowing the nicotine to flow into his dead body. He allowed the smoke to roll out of his nostrils, finally turning to face her. "Why does it matter? You don't care anyway. I'm not a part of your life, remember?"  
  
She cringed as he shot her words back at her. She had never appologized, had she? That's what she had come to do and it had completely slipped her mind. Tending to Spike's wounds was reason enough to forget, she guessed. His health was bit more of an issue than his feelings. But then again, his feelings were causing him to hurt himself. Not a good thing. With a sigh, she walked over and sat down on the opposite end of the couch, looking at the ground. His eyes remained locked on her. "I'm sorry."  
  
He snorted, "For what? Last night?"  
  
She brought her eyes to his, smiling grimmly, "No, for what I said to you, about you not being a part of my life. I'm sorry."  
  
"And I suppose finding pitiful little me slicing and dicing had nothing to do with this appology, that it came from your heart, right?" He asked sarcastically, his cold tone returning. "I'm sure you would have told me that if you hadn't found me." He looked away from her, puffing on the ciggarette. She didn't speak and he remained silent, not wanting to talk to her anymore. After a few moments, he gave up, finally turning to face her.  
  
"Look, I highly doubt you came here to have a staring contest with my floor.Why don't you get to work, I'll be here when you're done. I'm not going anywhere, at least not while the sun's shining all nice and bright outside. You don't want to get written up for being late again." He never ceased to amaze her. Here he was, pissed as all hell at her for finding him in tears, and he was trying to make sure she didn't waste her time with him and get in trouble at work. He always put her sake before his, even when something as serious as this came up.  
  
With a defeated sigh, she took her hat from her head and placed it on the table beside her. "No, Spike. We need to talk. They'll survive without me in the grease pit for awhile."  
  
He nodded his head at the ground, not sure what to say. She was actually rearranging her schedule to make room for him? For once she hadn't come to him when it was mearly a conveniece to her, she was actually putting her other priorities to the side for him.  
  
"I meant it." She said quietly, almost unaudible. If he hadn't had super- vampire-hearing, he wouldn't have caught what she had said.  
  
"Meant what?"  
  
"That I was sorry."  
  
"Why were you here?" He asked softly after a breif silence, finally able to look at her.  
  
"Believe it or not, to say I was sorry." She rolled her eyes, smiling slightly. "I got a little side tracked though. Kinda forgot."  
  
"Yeah..." He muttered, glancing down at the marks on his arms. "Did you mean, well, the other thing you said too?" he asked, looking at her hopefully. Once again his feeling on the issue were conflicted, part of him wanting to be her closest and most trusted friend and the other part wanting to be something a little more special.  
  
She sighed, placing her hand on top of his. "I don't know. Not right now, at least....but you're in the running, and gaining pretty fast." She smiled slightly, standing. "I'll see you later Spike, I'm off to slay the big bad burgers."  
  
He clenched his trembling hand into a fist at the loss of her touch, "Yeah, bye...." He ground the ciggarette into a nearby ashtray, not watching as she grabbed her hat and walked out the door. He ran his fingers through his hair when she was gone, unsure what to do. Maybe she did think of him as a friend, but then again, he might just be a free protection agency for Dawn. Pull the vampire's strings, see what you can make him do. He burried his face in his hands. Dawn was right, life sucked, especially when you felt alone.  
  
But she hadn't spent one hundred and twenty years alone.......  
  
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I'm bored, I may even have another chapter up tonight, farewell for now!! Enjoy and please review!! 


	4. Bad Habits

Title: Sweet Pain  
  
Author: Hope  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: They're Joss', not mine.  
  
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A/N: I wrote this chapter quickly seeing as I won't be able to post tonight. The begining's a bit more light hearted than the other chapters, enjoy :)  
  
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Five sets of eyes looked up as the bell above the Magick Box's door jingled. Spike walked in, carrying himself in his usual cocky manner. Tara and Willow paid him little heed and went back to the laptop in front of them, Xander ground his teeth and made a comment about 'clingy undead guys', Dawn gave the vampire a genuine smile, and Buffy looked at him sympathetically.  
  
"'ey Bit." He ignored the others and pulled up a seat next to the teen. Dawn, his 'one person'.  
  
"Hi Spike, what's up?"  
  
"Not much, just came to see if the Scoobs could use some help in the research department," He shrugged and looked at Buffy, "or the muscle department, either way."  
  
"Not much to research, Spike. We're just checkin up a some current prophecies to see if any involve good ole Sunnydale." Willow chimed, giving the vampire a small smile. Maybe Willow cared, but then again, that was still only two people.... "You might as well go patrol with Buffy, there's nothing much to do here." Her eyes fell to Buffy, who was looking at her frantically, as if begging her to shut up. The last thing she wanted to do was patrol with Spike.  
  
"I'm up for, if it's okay with you, Slayer."  
  
"Whatever." Buffy said, trying to sound casual. She stood from her seat and headed towards the door.  
  
"Bye, Nibblet." Spike said, ruffling the girl's hair as he stood and followed after her.  
  
*****  
  
The pair walked in silence, only speaking when it was neccesary to save each others butts from being mualed by vamps. An ocaasional 'Watch out' or 'Duck' was all that was said. Buffy watched out of the corner of her eye as the vampire pulled his lighter and a cigarette, placing it between his lips and flicking the lighter open. The same lighter she had found in her couch.... He looked to his side to see her watching him and raised his eyebrows questioningly.  
  
"Why do you smoke?" She asked, cocking her head at him.  
  
He looked at her like she was mad before shrugging his shoulders. Smirking, he answered, "Why not?"  
  
"Well, it's just kind of dumb. I mean, you're not alive, so you can't be addicted. It's really just a waste of money."  
  
"So now you're concerned about my budget?"  
  
She smiled slighty and looked to the ground, shaking her head. "No. It's just, stupid, I guess." she looked up at him, still smiling. "And gross." It was a stupid habit, in her opinion, along with the drinking....and the cutting.  
  
He took another hit off the fag and turned to blow the smoke in her face, grinning. "S'not that bad." She coughed, trying to blow the smoke away with her hands.  
  
"Spike!!" She sputtered, taking a step away from him. "That was way gross."  
  
"Not really, here." He pulled the cigarette from his mouth and reached over, offering the smoke to the girl.  
  
"No way, I'm not smoking that death stick. I've already died more than my fair share of times, I don't need to speed up the process."  
  
"One hit won't kill you." He protested. She stopped, letting out a defeated sigh and taking the cigarette from his hands. He was right, it wouldn't kill her to humor him for once. He smirked as she put it to her lips, taking a tiny hit. She sputtered and pulled it from her mouth.  
  
"There, you happy?" She made a face at the nasty taste it left in her mouth.  
  
"Oh come on, Slayer, that didn't count. You have to inhale it." He snatched it back, taking a long drag off of it and blowing the smoke out his nose. "Like that." He offered it back to her.  
  
She made a face and accepted it, hesitantly sucking in the heavy smoke. She inhaled it quickly, intending to get it overwith as fast as possible. Big mistake. She broke into a coughing fit as the smoke entered her system. She could hear Spike laughing at her.  
  
"Cor, Slayer. It may not kill you, but it'll sure as hell make you cough alot."  
  
She made a face and spit on the ground, trying to rid herself of the taste. It didn't work, so she resorted to scowling at the grinning vampire. "That was even worse than that brandy you made me drink."  
  
"I didn't make you drink anything, you just needed something to do while I player kitten poker. Was your choice, really."  
  
She threw the cigarette to the ground, grinding it out with her shoe. "That's a really stupid habit." He shrugged, pulling another one from his pocket and lighting it just to annoy her. "Stoppit." She demanded, pulling it from his mouth and throwing it to the ground. He cocked his head to the side, blowing the small amout of smoke he had been able to inhale out throught the side of his mouth. He looked down at her, smirking. "What are you doing?" She asked, glowering.  
  
"Looking."  
  
"At what?"  
  
"You." They locked eyes, neither moving for a few moments. Their toes touched as they watched each other. Swallowing hard, Spike took a step closer to her, brushing a hand down the side of her face. She looked into his hopeful eyes before clenching her shut and taking a step back.  
  
"Spike, no." She said quietly, backing out of his reach. His expression changed from a hopeful look to a cold glare as he shook his head.  
  
"You didn't tell them, did you?"  
  
Her eyes fell to her feet, "No..."  
  
He nodded, his features grim. "Fine." He stated coldly, turning and walking away from her. Go brood in your crypt, you're acting more and more like the Poofster everyday. He shook the thought from his head when she placed her hand on his shoulder, stopping him. "What?" He asked, not turning to face her.  
  
"Will you be okay?" She asked softly, concern evident in her voice.  
  
He chuckled grimmly, "Just as 'okay' as I've been over the past few months, I suppose."  
  
She ran her hand from his shoulder down his arm, looking him in the face, "Just don't do anything you'll regret, okay?"  
  
He looked at her, trying to keep his eyes from watering up. "Fine." He said quickly, pulling away and heading back to his crypt. Buffy watched him go before heading back to get Dawn.  
  
*****  
  
Don't do anything you'll regret. He sneered at the thought, flipping the blade in his hands. The only thing he had regreted about his little 'habit' was allowing Buffy to find him. He could care less what he did to himself, it made him feel better in a way.  
  
A really sick way.  
  
He shut his head up by digging the blade back into his arm, retracing a dim scar of her name. Buffy. He stopped and watched as the letters bubbled up, eventually molding together and becoming unreadable. Just a blob of sticky blood, not even warm. Stupid slayer. Maybe he would tell her friends about their little 'relationship', if that's what you could call it. Not really much of a relationship in the sense, seemed like more of a stand than anything.  
  
Right then Spike, less brooding, more cutting.  
  
He dug the blade deeper, not wanting to cry again. He had cried too much lately and thinking about all his problems only made it worse. Physical pain he could deal with, but emotional pain was a whole other story.......  
  
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Thanks to those who have read this far!! I feel so loved, please review!! 


	5. Pity

Title: Sweet Pain  
  
Author: Hope  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: They're Joss', not mine.  
  
'Pity' and lyrics are Â© Drowning Pool  
  
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A/N:Pardon any mistakes in this chapter, I went to a concert last night and didn't get much in the way of sleep. Just a note.... Coal Chamber is awsome in concert!!!  
  
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Buffy's eyes were focused on the spinning ice cubes in her pop as she swished her straw in circles. She wasn't paying much attention to the music circling in the air around her and she had been sitting alone for nearly two hours now. She didn't mind though, it gave her time to think some things out. Spike type things. Her eyes finally drifted up to the dance floor and she watched all the people dance to the heavy beats flowing around them. What kind of music was this, anyway? Alot of yelling, in her opinion, nothing musical about it.  
  
She let her mind drift back to the blonde vampire. She had been really worried about him lately, what with his newfound 'habit' and all. She had pondered why he had been doing it, and came up with a few possible explainations, one being he was mad because she hadn't told her friends about their 'relationship', two being he was upset that she broke it off with him, and three being....okay, so she only had two possible reasons, but it was better than nothing, right? He didn't really have anything else to be upset over. Well, maybe his lack of being able to kill, but she doubted that would drive him to what he was doing, would it? She sighed, returning her eyes to the dance floor. She gasped in surprise, seeing the blonde in question lurking in a corner, watching the band onstage. How long had he been there?  
  
-----  
  
My life served on a plate  
  
for all of you to eat.  
  
Take my love and hate  
  
but what is this inside of me?  
  
Pity me. Pity me. Don't you pity me?  
  
Pity me. Pity me. Don't you pity me?  
  
Don't you pity me? Don't you pity me?  
  
-----  
  
Spike leaned back against the wall, a beer in one hand and a cigarette in another. Two habits *she* hated. In one quick gulp he finished off the beer, setting it on a nearby table despite the protests of the table's occupants. He silenced the group with a menacing glare and returned his gaze to the stage, puffing on his cigarette.He saw the slayer watching him out of the corner of his eye and fought to keep from smirking at the girl.  
  
-----  
  
Under everything  
  
something that you can't see.  
  
I can't even believe  
  
something is wrong with me.  
  
Pity me. Pity me. Don't you pity me?  
  
Pity me. Pity me. Don't you pity me?  
  
Don't you pity me? Don't you pity me?  
  
-----  
  
The vampire straightened and stood from the wall as Buffy approached, her hands tucked in her coat pockets nervously. He smirked at her, blowing smoke from his mouth and tossing the butt of the cigarette to the ground. "Ello ello."  
  
"Hi Spike." Even under his smirk, she could see the pain reflected in his eyes. "How are you?"  
  
He rolled his eyes, looking back to the stage. "Since when do you care how I am?"  
  
Buffy sighed, looking to the ground. "Since it became an issue, now how are you?" The last part had come off as more of a demand than a question.  
  
He returned his eyes to the girl, raising his eyebrows. She shook her head when he didn't answer. "What Slayer? Are you actually saying you care?"  
  
-----  
  
You swear that all of this is real,  
  
but sometimes I can't seem to feel.  
  
Nothing ever satisfies.  
  
One day I will realize,  
  
I am really scared  
  
of something that I don't know.  
  
Do you even care  
  
What is really wrong?  
  
-----  
  
With a defeated sigh, Buffy dropped her arms to the side. "Yes Spike, I care. I don't want you to hurt yourself...."  
  
"Why didn't you say something before? You know, other than 'You're a monster' and 'You're not part of my life.'"  
  
"Because, well, I thought maybe caring was wrong...."  
  
"And that they wouldn't except it." He added coldly.  
  
"They?"  
  
"You're friends. The one's who tell you it's so wrong. The one's who fill your narrow mind with their beliefs." He poked her in the head, his face reamining serious. "You're smarter than that, Buffy, Think for yourself for once." He dropped his arms, watching her for a few moments before turning and walking away.  
  
-----  
  
Pity me. Pity me. Don't you pity me?  
  
Pity me. Pity me. Don't you pity me?  
  
Don't you pity me? Don't you pity me?  
  
I swear that all of this is real  
  
sometimes I can't seem to feel.  
  
Nothing ever satisfies,  
  
One day I will realize.....  
  
Don't you pity me? Don't you pity me?  
  
Don't you pity me? Don't you pity me?  
  
-----  
  
Buffy watched as he disapeared out the door, into the night, alone. Just like her, she thought, no one to talk to.... But she did have someone, him. He listened. He was always there when she was alone, whther it was when she was slaying or on break at work, he was there. But what about him? What would he do now, go home and sit there watching reruns of Passions? Some way to spend your unlife....  
  
*****  
  
Spike sat on his couch, his eyes focused on the pieces of broken glass on the floor. A broken vodka bottle. He watched as the jagged peices relflected the flickering candle light. Sharp little jagged peices. He leaned down, oblivious to the game show blaring on the television in front of him, and picked up on of the larger pieces. He shifted it between his fingers, enfoying the cool feel it had. Lowering the glass to his arm, he prepared for the pain once more, but was stopped by a soft rapping on his door.  
  
Sodding great.  
  
he stood, tossing the broken shard against the wall, causing it to break into even smaller pieces. He pulled the door open quickly, scowling at whoever had disturbed him, "Bugger o....oh, it's you." He clenched his jaw, staring at the blonde slayer in front of him.  
  
She smiled slightly, "Can I come in?"  
  
"I suppose." He shrugged, stepping to the side to let the girl through. He watched as her eyes fell to the TV. Jeopardy. He shook his head, "What are you doing here?"  
  
Buffy shrugged, turning back to him. "Just visiting, I guess."  
  
He quirked his eyebrows at the girl, "Since when do you 'visit'?"  
  
"Fine. I'll leave." She said, heading back to the door quickly.  
  
"Buffy." He stopped her by her shoulder, "You can stay, if you want..." She nodded, offering him a small smile.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
Weee, how fun. PLease review and let me know how I'm doing. 


	6. Fuzzballs

Title: Sweet Pain  
  
Author: Hope  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: They're Joss', not mine.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
"Buffy? Buffy." Dawn poked her sister impatiently, trying to wake her from her slumber on the couch.  
  
"Hmm? Yeah Dawnie?" The slayer asked groggily, stretching her arms.  
  
"I need lunch money." The teen headed to where her sister pointed. Her coat. She dug through the pockets and produced a wadded five dollar bill. "Thanks. And let me comend you on your stealthy entrance last night. I think the only people who couldn't hear you were those lucky enough to be in China. You sounded like a herd of rabid elephants."  
  
Buffy chuckled, running her hand through her hair. "I don't think I'll ever learn the lesson about alcohol being bad, even after turning into 'Cave Buffy.'"  
  
"Ahh, so drunkness is your excuse." Dawn exclaimed, grabbing her bookbag off the floor.  
  
"Yes, drunkness is my excuse. And I'm goint to kill Spike for this hangover."  
  
"Drunk with Spike? Now why is my mind being bad...." The girl replied, beaming.  
  
Buffy threw a pillow at the giggling girl, smirking. "We didn't *do* anything. We just talked, drank, talked, drank some more, and then we tried to talk but really just ended up slurring everything together..."  
  
"Sounds like a very entertaining story, but I have to get to school. I get a detetion if I'm late again." Buffy waved absently as the girl walked out the door, keeping her hand over her eyes. Spike was *so* going to get it for this.  
  
*****  
  
Spike flinched at the heavy banging coming from the top level of his crypt. His head hurt and the pounding was only amplifying the pain. Groaning, he threw his feet over the side of the bed and made his way to the upper level just in time to see Buffy emerging through the door. She shut it behnd her, not wanting sunlight to flood the room. Neither said anything as they surveyed the damage done to his crypt.  
  
"Spike, what did we do?" Buffy asked, rather confused at the large mess. "All I know is I woke up with my clothes on." She looked the vampire over. Yup, still in his coat and all. "And so did you."  
  
"Yup." He replied, rubbing the base of his neck. "I seem to recall something about tequilla, Barney the purple dinosaur, and large quantities of tacos....." He scratched his head as the girl sat down on the couch, pulling a large wad of Taco Bell wrappers from the cushions.  
  
"That would explain the lovely nausea." She scrunched up her noise and tossed the wrappers to the floor., running her free hand over her gurgling stomach. "What a great way to spend a Thursday night....."  
  
"Tell me 'bout it." The vampire proclaimed, throwing his coat to the floor and dropping down to the opposite end of the couch. He looked over the bottles on the table, coming to the conclusion that they had downed a bottle of tequilla and the remainder of a bottle of brandy. He looked around at the other tables and frowned, "I beleive this is the first time I'll ever say this, but I'm outta alcohol....."  
  
Buffy smirked and shook her head. "Poor you, no more sharing nasty hangovers with Buffy." She stopped, looking around the room. "Do you hear that?" She stood, looking around..  
  
"Hear what? My ears are sodding ringing."  
  
"Listen..." Buffy approached a small trunk in the corner, scrunching her face up in confusion. She knelt down, hesitant to open the noisey box. She flicked the latch and the lid shot open, revealing three small kittens. "Oh my God Spike, we did not go gambling for kittens last night, did we?"  
  
"Come to think of it, I think we did. I believe it was Clem who suggested we watch Barney, something about tuning up our singing skills....." He walked up behind Buffy, who was scooping one of the tiny furballs into her arms. She cooed at the white ball of fur.  
  
"We sang?" She asked, looking up.  
  
He shrugged, picking up a small black kitten. "Oh look, the black one's fetch a good price 'ere in Sunnydale. They're like, a delicacy." He held the mewing kitten in front of his face by the scruff of her neck, smirking slightly.  
  
"Spike!" Buffy squealed, snatching the kitten from him. "You're not selling them to kitten-eating demons." She set the two kittens in her arms back in the box, smiling as they began to wrestle with the other one.  
  
"Well what do you suggest we do with em? I usally pawn 'em off right after I get 'em."  
  
Buffy glared at the vampire. "That's so in the 'wrong' catagory, Spike. How could you let someone eat these adorable little things?" She kelt back down, swatting at the kittens with the sleeve of her sweater. "You can keep 'em until we find them homes."  
  
"Me? I'm not keeping 'em. I don't even like kittens." The vampire protested.  
  
Buffy grinned, snatching up the remaining orange and white kitten. She held it so it faced Spike, it's nose only inches from his. "Oh come on Spike, how could you resist this adorable face?" her voice was childish and she pouted as she spoke, the kitten squirming and mewing in protest.  
  
He raised an eyebrow, taking the kitten from the girl. "Guess it is kinda cute... but I still don't want it." He held it back out to her, making a face. She rolled her eyes, taking the kitten and putting it back with the others.  
  
"Fine, I'll keep them. But you will help me find homes, got it?" She pointed a finger at the vampire, closing the lid of the trunk andputting it under her arm. "Oh yeah, I came over here to yell at you for getting me drunk.....and whatever else you made me do..." She looked around the room, making a face.  
  
"I'm intimidated, slayer, really. You and your kitten weidling power." He waved his hands in the air mockingly, smirking. She punched him in the arm. He scowled playfully and rubbed his hand over where she had hit him, drawing both their attention to the scars lining his skin. He dropped his hand quickly, shoving his hands in his pockets.  
  
"Shut up." She replied quickly, pretending not to acknowledge the marks. "I'm going home, Dawn'll be home from school soon." He nodded as she walked towards the door. She grabbed the door handle in her hand, but halted. She turned her head back to the vampire. "Spike?"  
  
"Yeah Luv?"  
  
"You can come over later, if you want. Dawn's been wanting to do a movie night for a while now, but the rest of the gang has plans. It was gonna be a 'me and her' thing, but I don't think she'd mind if you showed up."  
  
Spike didn't know what to say. She was actually inviting him to do something with her that didn't involve slaying or sex? "Um, right. Yeah, I'll there. What time?"  
  
"Nine-ish?"  
  
"Sounds good. See ya then, Slayer." He saluted the girl mockingly as she walked out the door, kittens in tow.  
  
*****  
  
Dawn giggled as the three fuzzballs chased the string she was draggin across the floor. Buffy sat on the couch, rolling her eyes as the girl sat with the trio in fron of her on the floor, teasing them with the string, Their eyes jumped to the door as the bell rang. "I got it!" Dawn screached, bounding up from the ground. "Hi Spike," she said happily, opening the door.  
  
"'ey Bit." He peered down at the ground to see the kittens trailing after the girl, still wanting the string she had in her hand. "See you made some friends."  
  
Dawn smiled, picking up the three kittens. "Yup, the white one's name is Martini, the black one's Daiquiri, and the orange and white one's Taco."  
  
"He got the short straw, didn't he?" Spike asked, scratchin the kitten dubbed 'Taco' on the head. "I take it your sis told you about last night, or better yet, what we know about last night." Dawn nodded and he smirked, slipping a bag to the girl and motioning for her to go in the kitchen, "Don't tell her I gave ya this, k?" Dawn looked at him skeptically before disapearing into the kitchen to see what he had given her. Spike had known the second she saw those things she wouldn't let Buffy get rid of them, so he had made a pit stop at the pet store on the way over. A couple collars, toys, food, and litter and he was on his way.  
  
"Hey." Buffy offered from her comfortable perch on the couch. Dawn walked back into the room, grinning. She set her new pets on the floor and Buffy looked at her, dumbfounded. "Where did they get collars?"  
  
Dawn shrugged. "Dunno, but don't they look cute?" She picked Martini up and set him in the slayers lap. The blonde fiddled with the bell hanging from the blue collar on his neck and glared at Spike. He smirked.  
  
"I take it you had something to do with this?"  
  
He shrugged, grinning. "I told you to sell 'em. Now you're stuck with 'em"  
  
The slayer groaned, watching the fuzzball curl up in her lap. "I'm gonna kill you for this."  
  
Spike smirked, grabbing Taco from Dawn. He squirmed in Spike's grasp, not wanting to be held. The vampire managed to calm him and sat down next to Buffy, grinning. "I thought you were going to kill me for getting you drunk?" She kicked him playfully and Dawn stiffled a giggle.  
  
"Both of you shuttup so we can watch the movie." Dawn nodded, pressing the play button on the VCR.  
  
Spike groaned as the title screen for Casablanca came up. "Bugger off, I'm not watching this. Why couldn't you get a normal movie?"  
  
"Casablanca is a normal movie, one of the best romances of all times." Buffy protested, petting the now sleeping kitten. "Now stop blabbing and watch."  
  
He sighed, leaning back into the cushions. "Fine, but I get to pick the next movie." Dawn and Buffy exchanged nervous glances before returning their eyes to the TV.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
Yay for lightheartedness!! I wanted to write something cute so bear with me. I'll get back on track next xhapter, I swear!! Til then, please review!! 


	7. Relating

Title: Sweet Pain  
  
Author: Hope  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: They're Joss', not mine.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
Buffy's eyelids fluttered open slowly, giving her eyes time to adjust. She was curled up at one end of the couch and Spike was snoozing at the other with Taco curled up on his chest. Doesn't like kittens my ass Dawn was alseep in a chair on the other end of the room, Martini and Daiquiri asleep in her lap. The slayer stood, walking over to shut the TV off. She double checked to make sure the blinds were shut before heading upstairs to take a shower.  
  
*****  
  
"Dawnie? Dawn." Buffy brushed her sister's hair from her face, causing her to stir. "Hey, I'm going to work, k?" Dawn nodded sleepily, rolling back over and pulling her blanket around her. Buffy sighed and turned to leave. Her eyes fell to Spike, who was still asleep on her couch. He looked so.....dead, for lack of a better word. Picking up a blanket from the side of the couch, she covered the vampire, smirking at the angry glare Taco gave her for waking him. She patted the kitten on the head before disapearing out the door.  
  
*****  
  
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..." Dawn summoned the kittens into the kitchen, setting a large bowl of food on the floor. They scarfed at it hungrily, purring. Now for her breakfast. She sorted through the fridge, looking for the carton of eggs. She pulled three out, along with some milk and cheese. Scrambled eggs, the easiest breakfast in the world. She set the stuff on the counter, pondering whether or not Spike would want some. He was probably hungry, but eggs? She headed back to the fridge, searching for the few packets of blood that were kept there 'only for *extreme* emergencies' as Buffy put it. Why else would she keep blood in the house for him? Dawn smirked, grabbing three more eggs.  
  
"Spike?" The girl called, walking back into the living room. He was still curled up on the couch, sleeping soundly. "Oh William." She chimed in a sing-song voice, grinning.  
  
"Let an old man sleep....." The vampire whined, pulling his pillow over his head.  
  
"You're so not an old man."  
  
He rolled over, raising an eyebrow at the girl, "I'm well over one-hundred years old, Bit." He rolled onto his back, folding his hands behind his head.  
  
"Fine. You're old, now what do you want for breakfast, scrambled eggs or...this." She held the bag of blood up, scrunching her nose.  
  
"I'll go with 'this'" He piped, holding his arm out for the packet. She handed it to him, catching a quick glance at his arm. She grabbed his wrist, trying to examine it in the dim light.  
  
"Spike, what's th..."  
  
"S'nothin, Bit. How bout some of them eggs, too?" He replied quickly, pulling his arm from the girl and standing. She searched his features skeptically before nodding, leading him back into the kitchen. What was his problem? She shrugged it off and began mixing the ingredients for their breakfast in a bowl.  
  
"Spike?" Dawn asked the vampire, who was sitting on the counter next to the stove.  
  
"Yeah pet?"  
  
"Are you and Buffy, you know, dating?" She looked at him hopefully, pouring the gooey mixture into a pan.  
  
"Wish I knew pet, I really do."  
  
Dawn gave him a strange look before returning her attention to the pan, pushing the eggs around with her spatula. "So, you might not be dating, but you've had sex?"  
  
"Nibblet!!"  
  
"What? I don't live in a box, you know. Xander's probably the only one out of the group who doesn't know."  
  
"Really?" He asked curiously.  
  
"Oh yeah. It'stotally obvious, Xander just sort of floats through life beleving whatever makes him happy, and you don't happen to be one of those 'happy' things." She scraped the eggs onto two seperate plates, handing one to Spike. "I think he's the only one who would actually care, too."  
  
"What makes you say that?" He asked, hopping down and sitting at the island in the center of the kitchen. She took a seat next to him, picking at her food.  
  
"Well, Anya used to be a demon so she knows where you're coming from on the whole 'being able to love' basis, Willow will accept anything if it makes Buffy happy, and Tara's known for awhile."  
  
"Wait, Pixie knew?" He asked, mixing some of the blood in with the eggs. Dawn made a face.  
  
"Yeah, Buffy told her awhile ago."  
  
He shook his head in disbelief, "She actually told someone?" Dawn nodded, finishing off her breakfast. He looked at her thoughtfully before continuing, "What about you?"  
  
She stood, taking her plate to the sink. "What do you mean?"  
  
"What do you think?" He asked seriously, standing and throwing his plate into the sink as well.  
  
Dawn sighed, scooping up Taco, who was pawing at her foot. She smiled at the vampire, "Let's just say I actually felt like I had a family last night..." He smiled, pulling the girl into a hug.  
  
"Thanks Bit..."  
  
She nodded, pulling away. "What are friends for?"  
  
Spike looked thoughtfully around the room, "Um, this?" He grabbed her glass of water from the counter, soaking her from head to toe. She screached in surprise, Taco leaping form her arms in fury.  
  
"Spike!! I'm goin to kill you!!" She grabbed the hose from the sink, aiming for him as he cirlced around to the other end of the kitchen. She pulled the trigger, sending a shower of water everywhere. He laughed, leaping over the island and pulling her away from the hose by her waist, getting soaked in the process. She giggled, trying to get back to her weapon. She pulled at his arms, struggling to get free.  
  
"S'matter?" The vampire asked, concerned when the girl gave up the fight. He felt her fingers running down his arm. Shit. He pulled back, wincing at the hurt look she gave him.  
  
"That's my name. You have my name on your arm...." She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. "Did you do that?"  
  
"Yeah..." He mumbled quietly, looking down.  
  
"What the hell is your problem?!" He didn't speak, he just focused his vision on the floor. He looked up when he felt Dawn's hand on his arm, beckoning him to look up. He looked into her symapthetic face, unsure what to say. "Look." she said quietly, rolling her sleeve up. She motioned to a thick pink scar running up her inner arm, smiling grimmly. "I did that last year around Buffy's birthday, right around the time when me and you found out I was the key. It was sort of a test, I guess, to see if I would bleed like everyone else. I used this big dagger I found in Buffy's room. Everyone freaked out, especially mom." Her voice wavered slightly when she mentioned her mother, but she swallowed down her tears and continued. "I thought about doing it again, but I didn't. You know why?" He still didn't speak, no taking his eyes off of her. "Because of mom. She said that no matter what I was, who I was, she loved me. She didn't care that I was different..." Her voice shook, hot tears running down her face.  
  
"I'm sorry Bit..." He said softy, pulling her back into his arms. He ran his hand over her hair as she cried softly.  
  
She sniffled into his shirt, memories of her mother flooding her mind. "Spike?" She managed after a few momenrs, her voice still shaky.  
  
"Yeah pet?"  
  
"I love you."  
  
"Love you too, Nibblet." He answered quietly, tears brimming in his eyes. He swallowed hard, "And Bit?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Don't let me hear you swearing again." She smirked through her tears.  
  
*****  
  
"Dawn?" Buffy knocked lightly on the girl's bedroom door, peering in. She saw her sister sitting against the head board of her bed, scratching Martini's head absently. "What's with the gloominess?" She asked, sitting on the edge of her bed. Dawn looked up at her with red eyes.  
  
"How could you be so mean?"  
  
"Mean? I thought asking how my sister was doing was a good thing..." Buffy pouted.  
  
"That's not what I'm talking about, Buffy. I'm talking about Spike." The teen answered coldly, letting the kitten hop down to the floor.  
  
Buffy shook her head, reaching to brush her hand down the side of her face. "Dawnie, you know I.." Dawn pulled away, glaring at her sister.  
  
"Do you know that he thinks I'm the only person that cares about him? That he refuses to leave Sunnydale because he promised to protect me?"  
  
"Dawnie, he's a vampire. He's different, he...."  
  
"What about me? I'm different, does that mean I should be alone?" She asked defensively.  
  
"He's not alone, Dawn." Buffy coaxed soothingly. "He's always around, even when we don't want him around."  
  
"That's the problem!! No one wants him around, no one cares. He's an outcast even when he is around...." The girls eyes watered up again. "He *is* alone Buffy, and you don't care, do you?"  
  
"Dawn, I'm sorry..." She tried to put her hand on her sister's shoulder, but she stood from the bed quickly.  
  
"It's not me you owe the appology to, Buffy. Tell him." She shot the last part out coldly, grinding her teeth. "Go tell him you love him or tell him you hate him. Tell him *something*. Stop playing games." Her words were harsh and she glared at the blonde. Buffy clenched her jaw, standing. She gave her sister one final look before rushing down the stairs and out the front door.  
  
*****  
  
Buffy didn't bother to kncock as she walked into his crypt, looking around in the darkness. Her heart sank when she saw the candlelight from downstairs, her mind drifting to when she had found him the other night. He wouldn't e doing it again, would he? She walked hesitantly to the ladder, unsure whether or not she wanted to go down. Swallowing her fears, she climbed slowly down. "Spike?" He was sitting on his bed, his back to her. He gave her a quick glance over his shoulder but quickly returned his gaze to something in his hands.  
  
Shit.  
  
Buffy walked slowly around, afraid of what he was doing. Her eyes dropped to his hands, where he was flipping the blade she had taken from him between his fingers. He swallowed, looking at her. Extending the blade toward her, he spoke softly, "Keep it." She took the cool metal in her hands, shifting it in her fingers. She sighed, shoving it in her coat pocket and taking a seat next to him.  
  
"I'm glad you didn't do anything." She said softy, fiddling her fingers.  
  
"Yeah, I guess the Nibblet talked some sense into me...."  
  
"You really told her that? That you didn't think anyone cared?" Buffy asked, looking up at him.  
  
He smiled grimmly. "Guess I did. She's my one person...."  
  
Buffy looked down, debating what to say. After a few moments, she grabbed his cool hand in hers, entwining their fingers. Looking up into his startled eyes, she spoke. "Can I be Two?" She gave his hand a quick squeeze when he didn't respond, pulling him into a hug. She felt him wrap his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. She sighed, running her fingers over the base of his neck, "I didn't mean it."  
  
"Mean what?" He asked quietly, not moving from her warm embrace.  
  
"You're not my best friend." She said flatly, feeling him shift uncomfortably. Smiling slightly, she whispered in his ear. "You're a little bit more...." He pulled away, looking into her eyes nervously. She smiled warmly, running her hand through his hair. "I love you." She wrapped her arms back around him when he diidn't speak, running her fingers through his hair. "I care." Her voice was soft, almost unaudible.  
  
He clenched his eyes shut, burrying his face in her neck. "I love you too, Slayer." His voice was shaky and quiet. She could feel his tears running down her warm flesh, making her shudder. She pulled back, resting her forehead against his and looking into his teary eyes.  
  
"Don't ever leave me, okay?" She cooed gently, brushing his jaw line with her thumb.  
  
"Never." He replied, giving her a soft kiss on the forehead and pulling her back into his arms. "Never....."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~  
  
Hot damn, I'm done..... Poo, I was having fun too. But wait, I didn't do a sappy Spike-Buffy kissing scene!! Gahh!! Oh wells, this was cuter. Anyways, please review and let me know what you think :) 


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